How does a well-rounded, self-assured woman become so fragile after a breakup?

Hi guys,





This is long but hopefully there's someone wise soul out there with a bit of time and patience to read this and offer their insight.





I am a 26 year old who is having a little crisis about the strength and resilience of my character. I am generally confident, but not in a loud way. Basically what I mean is that though I don't go around shouting about it, for the purpose of honesty here, I feel that I could possibly make a good catch for a lot of men. I enjoy socialising, mixing with new people, being passionate about music and the arts, supporting local sports teams, cooking, being houseproud, and overall, laughing and enjoying life. I have a degree and a masters in English literature, am a qualified teacher and a qualified English as a foreign language teacher. In the few jobs I have managed to secure in these areas I have been held in high esteem and got on with everyone very well. Trouble with where I live is that the national jobs market in the area of teaching has all but closed up and to pay the bills I am working in a local bar, which I love, but I am frustrated that I am not yet doing what I love. I have several dear friends who love me because of who I am and inspite of my faults, and I also enjoy a healthy and enthusiastic social networking presence in my downtime. Which brings me on nicely to where some of my problems lie. In spite of all these positive things that I listed above, they all fall away when I am rejected by a guy I have been seeing. Now to be honest here, I haven't had many boyfriends. I only date someone if I connect with someone immediately and unfortunately I don't find people like that very often. But my biggest problems came in the space of the last two years. 8 months ago I finally disassociated myself from a man who was no good for me. I fell for him hard before I realised what a player he was. Not only was he a player, but he was also manipulative and verbally abusive (I since learned that he physically abused an earlier girlfriend of his). One day after we weren't together anymore he took action so radical that I finally crumbled under the mess of it all and the shame for being so stupid to have been involved with him for so long that I switched off my normally bright soul and attempted suicide. That was guy one.





After him, the shock of what I had done stunned me into waking up and picking myself off the ground to living my life again and, importantly, live it knowing that I was *lucky that I finally realised that this man I had fallen for so hard was no longer someone I wanted or needed in my life. I slowly went from not being able to talk for three weeks after the attempt to gradually gathering my inner strength again, and also beginning to let in the people who cared about me, family and friends. Eventually, I could see that guy out in a bar and not freeze inside. I was feeling happy and confident again, only just. I went on a staff night out; danced confidently and freely and had fun. Then I meet guy number two. He approached me, having been watching me throughout the night.





He was a breath of fresh air! Very attractive, dymanic, intelligent, interested in what I had to say, attentive, funny, polite and chivalrous. He had a confidence that could *potentially have been read as player-like but only, one would say, if you were being over-analytical and cynical. To be honest, it did not occur to me that I could be so unlucky after so recently having such hardship in my lovelife so I went with it. It was great. Dates were a combination of lovely, romantic, fun and bond-building. He told me he thought he might be falling in love with me. I don't like someone who is too full-on but he managed to give many compliments in such a way that it did not put me off because he himself remained funny and charming and sexy. He moved then because of a better job. Before he moved he was edging away from me. He moved to the city I am from. He visits here alot since he moved and of course I visit home alot, so from my point of view there is no reason why we couldn't keep our good thing going. But I'll tell you something else here; he is divorced with two kids, who live with her in another country. He visits them every few weeks and I always knew she was still important to him because he spoke about her lovingly, but it hurt when I realised that he is actually still in love with her, and I suspect actively biding his time until he gets the dating scene he has enjoyed since she divorced him out of his system and returns to her. Me? God, I fell so much in love with him and I didn't realise how much until he left. He keeps me in contact, but on his terms. Originally he said he wanted to always be friends with me because we had such a good connection and he cared about me, which, despite the player-tendencies I believe to be true. But he changed completely. Wasn't as kind to me or interested as I know he is to all his other friends, evenHow does a well-rounded, self-assured woman become so fragile after a breakup?
lolHow does a well-rounded, self-assured woman become so fragile after a breakup?
When in a relationship people become dependent on the other person to a certain extent, and when the relationship comes to an end they may feel unable to cope, a decline in self esteem, and show symptoms of social withdrawal or even try to hide the withdrawal by doing the opposite and showing a high degree of sociability. They may also become depressed.





You may find this helpful; http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_este鈥?/a>





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-7t01kuM鈥?/a>
You arent as self-assured as you thought, not in the dating department anyway. Confidence comes in different forms for different areas of life. Lots of people, women especially, have high confidence in careers, social life etc. but none in dating. If you really were confident in dating then you wouldn't dream of keeping in touch with this LOSER after finding out what he's really like- i.e. NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO LICK YOUR SHOES. For God's sake woman where the hell is your self-respect! Self-esteem and behaviour go round in a circle and when one is low so is the other. Obviously yours is very low because


';think maybe he sees me as an option, in case he changes his mind in the future, which, right now, I don't mind because I still like him enough to wait.'; = low behaviour ---%26gt; low self esteem


Fortunately, when behaviour is high so is self-esteem and the whole circle is raised. So to change one change the other. Do this in your case by changing your behaviour. Stop being desperate and set higher standards for yourself. Focus on whats good about you looks and personality wise - write a list of your positive traits every night and morning, and show these losers and yourself that you are Gold. If you are Gold, which you clearly are, and you don't act like it, then no one can see it. It's like putting a layer of dirty paint on the shiny Gold. Stop doing it.


When your confidence is back up to scratch you'll laugh that you said that ridiculous quote up there.





HOW THESE MEN HAVE TREATED YOU HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR TRUE SELF-WORTH. It may stem a little from how you present yourself- like a gold nugget covered in dirty paint that represents your low self-confidence, so they dont see how great you really are. But ultimately, most of how they treat you is everything to do with themselves and their own self-worth. Someone who treats women like trash, IS trash. And anyone who feels the need to have a back up reeks of low confidence, because they so desperately dont want to be alone- because they dont enjoy their own company- that they feel the need to string someone along at the cost of hurting them and wasting their own time and energy, is a walking 拢200 cheque for a self-image therapist.
Being dumped by someone who meant something to you is very devastating, it shatters you to your very foundations and the aftershocks continue for a long time. I am not going to recommend any book to you as self help book are not what you need. You are independent, talented and believe you deserve better, but your behaviour and choices tell you of how out of balance that is.


But as you say, you are not very experienced with men, phuck em girl, go out and meet some more! Presumably your exes would get off to see you in a moping funk, why should you give them the pleasure? Do something out of the box this summer, if I can recommend http://www.oxfam.org.uk/stewards Working at festivals is a great way of meeting people you would not ordinarily meet, just an idea..... Hugs....
Wow...atleast he is still talking to you...Im in the same boat...sort -off.


I am a professional, independent, caring, trusting, compassionate woman also, and I recently broke up from a 2.5 year bad relationship... It took me several months to get to that point, but when I was done...I was done... I regained my strength and was mentally ready to conquer the world again with confidence. I was not looking for another relationship...when I accidentally ran into ';Mr. Perfect';....gorgeous, great smile, a doctor... who swept me off my feet. He treated me like I was a princess. We spoke on the phone all day long, text all day...sent pics back and forth... I slept with him after about 3 weeks of meeting...and then 2 weekends ago... I got a text that said...';Im so sorry..Im beyond physically attracted to you...but not mentally ready yet... I recently, before I met you, broke up with someone and Im always thinking about her';.... I was like WTF??? I usually have good intuition! Wouldn't I have know if he wasnt over someone emotionally...he never showed one sign of such!... I balled and cried for two days... we exchanged a couple emails where he briefly explained how he is still thinking about an ex..and how sorry he was for hurting me...and asked if we could still be friends...Me...being the compassionate person I am...felt sorry for him for going thru this..so I said...Yes..we could be friends and to call me if he wanted to talk...I would be there for him....ANYWAY...that was a week ago...and guess what? I haven't heard a darn word out of him! I do believe that he totally used me! And then bailed out of it in a way as to not look like HE is the bad guy! Thats what my intuition is telling me now. That he just didn't want to be the bad guy, so he made up this b.s. story of an ex he is still in love with and he really thinks Im amazing, but he's not mentally ready yet.... and i haven't heard from him in a week...hmmmm...isn't that ironic!


Sorry sweetie.... you are not the only one who is going thru this :-(